rough edges

One of the things I don’t like about blogging is that I love handwritten things (except essays in exams and the scrawl in hospital notes...) but I love the idiosyncrasies and variety in handwriting. A few years ago I started ‘journalling’ of sorts on the computer... but I had to return to the proper journal and pen again... it just seemed too clinical or something.

For comparison’s sake, I’ve typed half the quote below, and written out the other half... does handwriting seem more real, more personal, less aloof, less predictable even if less convenient? Maybe like Christianity.*

"...the feebleness of all those watered versions of Christianity which leave out all the darker elements and try to establish a religion of pure consolation. No real belief in the watered versions can last. Bemused and besotted as we are, we still dimly know at heart that nothing which is at all times and in every way agreeable to us can have objective reality. CS Lewis, Prayer: Letters to Malcolm Ch14

*While this analogy makes sense in my head, it’s a bit random...and it’s been a long day, so if the paragraph above doesn’t make sense after you’ve read the quote, just ignore it and take what you want from the quote itself!

true

grace, community - these two words keep coming up in things I’m reading...

“There is in true grace an infinite circle: a man by thirsting receives, and receiving, thirsts for more.” Thomas Shepard

“In true community we are windows constantly offering each other new views on the mystery of God’s presence in our lives.” Henri Nouwen

unremembered skies

This got me thinking about memory/memories... In my psychology degree (which seems so long ago now), I had whole module on cognition that looked at all the processes of memory and recall, but looking back it all seemed a little reductionist.

Marilynne Robinson writes that ‘memory is the sense of loss, and loss pulls us after it’.
Sometimes that seems true for me about my memories of Nigeria. However good the memories are, they are sometimes tinged with a sense of loss and many painful goodbyes. Sometimes I think that many of my memories (especially as a child) are shaped by photos, but we usually don’t take photos of the depressing days, so does this give an inaccurate record of what we remember?

This is one of my favourite family photos from our early days in the south of Nigeria. It must have been a Sunday because in those days my sister and I only wore dresses (and shoes for that matter) on a Sunday. My dad’s so skinny too... when we returned from Nigeria after the first two years my aunt cried when she saw my dad because he was so thin! Guess I blinked. And yes, I looked like a boy... blame it on my mum’s haircutting... she says it was so short because of the heat, but seriously, I was called ‘fine boy’ in the market for about 3 years of my life... or else I needed my ears pierced like all other Nigerian baby girls...
--
Or is it the forgetting, but not wanting to that brings the sense of loss? Dylan Thomas writes...

"My tears are like the quiet drift

Of petals from some magic rose;

And all my grief flows from the rift

Of unremembered skies and snows."

And Robinson again on remembering people we love...
“There is so little to remember of anyone – an anecdote, a conversation at a table. But every memory is turned over and over again, every word, however chance, written in the heart in the hope that memory will fulfill itself, and become flesh, and that the wanderers will find a way home, and the perished, whose lack we always feel, will step through the door finally and stroke our hair with dreaming habitual fondness not having meant to keep us waiting long.”

Anyway, back to the short term memory cramming...

in dark and empty skies

The Van Morrison refrain at the end of Foy’s gig was “oh no, never let the spirit die” ... it made me think of a lyrics my pastor quoted in a sermon a couple of weeks ago... can’t even remember what point he was making, although I think it was in relation to the hope / resurrection, but all I wrote down were these words from this Dylan song...

“Oh, the tree of life is growing
Where the spirit never dies
And the bright light of salvation shines
In dark and empty skies”

so be there in the moment

Great gig last night. Good company (including chatting to nelly and a few others I haven't seen in ages... seriously though, I wonder if Foy knows he's got so many christian groupies?!) and of course, great music. Lowly Knights songs are growers... so definitely liked them even more last night. My favourite line for some reason is 'you can tell a man by the way he lifts his hands...'

Foy was fabulous as always... so good live; his cd doesn’t do justice to the one-man-wonder's sound (singing into his guitar for the reverberation being a highlight!). Introducing two shades of hope, he said that the greatest legacy his dad gave him was hope. And from two of his newer songs, these lines stood out for me...

“And when you run, far from my eyes, then I will come, in dead of night
But I wont speak, till morning light, I’ll be the song, just be the song”

and

“But I showed you that every mark you made, painted hearts and bleeding scars, is something that you needed to create, so be there in the moment...
Blood gets on the canvas, stains you cannot hide, are the truest indication of what’s going on inside, so be there in the moment”

And then ending with a bit of belfast slagging (as only someone who truly loves the place can) and the chorus of Van Morrison's Spirit... classic. All round great night.

One another note, I’m having slight withdrawal symptoms from not running a leg of the Belfast marathon today (first time in about 5 years I haven’t!). Although standing and then running in the cold / rain with 27,000 others maybe doesn’t sound that appealing... but then anything would be more appealing than revision...

true grace

"True grace is not an inactive thing; there is nothing in heaven or earth of a more active nature; for it is life itself, and the most active kind of life, even spiritual and divine life. It is no barren thing; there is nothing in the universe that in its nature has a greater tendency to fruit. Godliness in the heart has as direct a relation to practice as a fountain has to a stream, or as the luminous nature of the sun has to beams sent forth, or as life has to breathing or the beating of the pulse or any other vital act; or as a habit or principle of action has to action; for it is the very nature and notion of grace, that it is a principle of action or practice."

Jonathan Edwards
Religious Affections p320

providence

One of the slightly random things about my childhood (believe me, there are a few) was that I grew up learning the Heidelberg Catechism... For about three years (age 11-13ish), I had to meet on Tuesday afternoons and discuss reformed theology and church history with a few other students from the reformed tradition and recite off our catechism answers... it was mostly with dutch reformed missionary kids. I guess it was as close to presbyterian as my parents could find in nigeria! I have to say I’m not sure if I appreciated it at the time; looking back though, I wish I had maybe paid more attention. I’ve forgotten most of the answers now, except the classic Q/A 1 which I love.... But I like this one too...

Q & A 27
Q. What do you understand by the providence of God?
A. Providence is
the almighty and ever present power of God^1
by which he upholds, as with his hand,
heaven
and earth
and all creatures,^2
and so rules them that
leaf and blade,
rain and drought,
fruitful and lean years,
food and drink,
health and sickness,
prosperity and poverty—^3
all things, in fact, come to us
not by chance^4
but from his fatherly hand.^5

^1 Jer. 23:23-24; Acts 17:24-28 ^2 Heb. 1:3
^3 Jer. 5:24; Acts 14:15-17; John 9:3; Prov. 22:2 ^4 Prov. 16:33 ^5 Matt. 10:29

I wonder if the catechism tradition is gone from churches or is it just that the church I’m at now probably never had that tradition in the first place, and certainly not the heidelberg...

rainbow!

clearly need a proper photo merger or wider lens for panorama view but here's the (disjointed!) rainbow out my window today :)

where'd the sunshine go?

Just went for a walk... (yes, I know I wrote a serious post about procrastination, but still have to get out of the house sometimes or I’ll go crazy!) Seriously though, what happened to the sunshine and the possibility of summer? It’s cold! I’m not sure why I’m surprised anymore...

Found an old, battered and forgotten football on my travels on the beach (aka stones & seaweed) which made my day... To be fair it probably wasn’t forgotten, just its owner probably thought it had had its day... But it was one of those ones that are just flat enough to make you feel like a genius with keep-ups. Must have kept me entertained for a good half hour... Thankful for simple pleasures on a cold, gloomy day.

But still wanting the sunny days to come back!

games and glimpses

I like these quotes from Gavin Peacock this week...

“When you score a goal you never feel more alive,” he says. “But that’s just a momentary high, it’s not reality. It’s not the truth, it’s just a glimpse of something. In the big picture my reality is my walk with God and it’s eternal and everlasting.”

“Fans join together and experience it just for a moment with the player who’s scored or with the team’s victory. We want to partake in something of beauty, of glory, to take us out and up. Our souls were made for the majesty of Christ.”

ah, champions league time again... maybe its purpose is to give us glimpses of true glory :)

come on...

light of glory

"Men have a great deal of pleasure in human knowledge, in studies of natural things; but this is nothing to that joy which arises from this divine light shining into the soul. This light gives a view of those things that are immensely the most exquisitely beautiful, and capable of delighting the eye of the understanding. This spiritual light is the dawning of the light of glory in the heart. There is nothing so powerful as this to support persons in affliction, and to give the mind peace and brightness in this stormy and dark world." Jonathan Edwards

soli deo gloria

David Brainerd on his twenty-fifth.... April 1718
"Set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to bow my soul before God for the bestowment of divine grace; especially that all my sprirtual afflictions and inward distresses might be sanctified to my soul. And endeavoured also to remember the goodness of God to me the year past, this day being my birthday. Having obtained help of God, I have hitherto lived and am now arriving at the age of twenty-five years. My soul was pained to think of my barrenness and deadness; that I have lived so little to the glory of the eternal God. I spent the day in the woods alone, and there poured out my complaint to God. Oh, that God would enable me to live to His glory for the future!"

Ok, so I haven't spent the day fasting alone in the woods... but I want to echo that last sentence on my twenty-fifth :)