emotions

I had a great conversation over coffee with a friend today. We were talking about many things, but we started discussing emotions and faith. The psychology-freak in me probably makes me over-analyse on this one! This is what we discussed: I wonder if sometime we think that negative emotions are always seen to be a bad thing that we have to get sorted in order to be right with God/people? Do we say I’m down/angry/depressed at the minute, but I’m trying to get back to normal... (what is normal? coming from a psyc degree, we’re all on a spectrum anyway!) And sometimes, don’t you think that it is often our deepest, negative emotions that ultimately can draw us closer to God and point us to real hope. Maybe that sounds like a contradiction, but it’s just been something I’ve been thinking about over the summer too. It stems from two books I’ve just read: The Consolations of Theology which looks at various topics such as anxiety, depression, obsession, disappointment, pain etc from the perspectives of some great theologians, and The Cry of the Soul by two guys my dad studied with (here's one review). Some quotes to help explain what I mean:

“Anxiety is not something to flee from; but it is here, in the midst of the anxiety that is built into the fabric of our fallen world, that we can hear the promises of the gospel most sharply. It is here I am summoned to believe, to stake my all on the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me. -Kierkegaard

“In an important sense we must despair of all else in order to wholeheartedly rely on Christ and what he has done for us.” – Martin Luther

“Despair is an absence of hope – a loss of desire in the face of disappointment in relationship. Oddly, however, this difficult emotion can open the heart to grasp something about a hope that transcends mere human relationship. Despair can open the heart to taste hope in God.” Allender & Longman p145

“Don’t assume that resolving your turbulent emotions is the key to meeting God. It is actually within the inner mayhem of life that a stage is built for the intrusive story of His light and hope. The absence of tumult, more than its presence, is an enemy of the soul. God meets you in your weakness, not in your strength. He comforts those who mourn, not those who live above desperation.” Allender & Longman p27

I guess I’ve had one of those emotion-filled weeks... mostly negative. I’m not saying we should want to cling to those negative emotions, but I think I need to realise that in different seasons, it’s normal and maybe in the midst of when I’m struggling the most, ideas like grace and hope become so much more real. It’s completely different than some of the songs I remember singing as a child: like, climb up sunshine mountain/i’m in-right out-right upright downright happy all the time... What kind of crazy theology was that??

It’s back to a Spurgeon quote to round off this thought:
“What is my desolation? It is the black setting for the sapphire of His everlasting love.”

shared lives

“We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.” 1 Thess 2:8

I love this verse. Surely this is at the heart of everything: a life of love for each other that is reflected in mission and community. It's just figuring out what that looks like that's sometimes complicated...

419 or for real?

"A Nigerian consortium planning to bid for Newcastle needs to raise an "extra £50m to £100m" to buy the club, with owner Mike Ashley holding out for £400m." (Daily Mirror)

Ok, so this is the latest in the Newcastle FC saga... I just find it so hard not be sceptical about this "Nigerian consortium". I know Nigeria/Nigerians loves premiership football... you can watch the big matches in every town with electricity and everywhere you look around town, people are wearing replica football tops - mostly ManU, Chelsea or Arsenal ripoffs. I actually could watch more premiership football living in Nigeria than I can here. But I just can't quite believe some Nigerian group is going to pay to buy Newcastle! Craziness. I guess it's probably oil money just like Man City's new owners. Just smells a bit fishy (aka 419 as we say). Time will tell but I'll be following this story with interest! I just wish someone would pour £400m into Nigerian football development.

waiting with murray

I hadn’t heard much about Andrew Murray until this summer. And I’m not talking about the tennis player. I drove past a statue of him in Wellington, South Africa this summer on a mini road trip. Then he was the answer to a random question in a South African Trivial Pursuit game played in a wee backpackers. (We played for hours huddled up outside with our blankets and hot water bottles in Oudtshoorn, SA - the ostrich capital of the world apparently... I also learned the important information that day that ostriches eat stones!) The third time Murray came up was on my dad’s bookshelf in Nigeria. I always raid my dad’s hundreds of books when I’m at home and this summer was no exception. I read a book called Waiting on God by Murray (which I discovered is only one of his 240+ books). Much of what he said resonated with me. It seems like he had such a heart for abiding in/waiting on God... Talking about waiting he said this:

“This is the one thing we need. If we but saw our God in his love, if we believed that he waits to be gracious, that he waits to be our life and to work all in us—how this waiting on God would become our highest joy, the natural and spontaneous response of our hearts to his great love and glory.”

life's checkerboard

Just back from Nigeria. Read this prayer this evening which I feel like echoing...

"Thank You that I can safely commit my location and situation to You. I can 'be willing for You to shift me anywhere on life’s checkerboard, or bury me anywhere in life’s garden, gladly yielding myself for You to please Yourself with, anywhere and anyway You choose' (source unknown). Thank You that I can trust You with my future places - ready to go, ready to stay.
So I rest in the fact that You have me in this place for this day, and I praise You that You will faithfully guide me throughout life to just where you want me to be, as I seek to do Your will.

And most important of all is my place in You. How delighted I am to have You as my dwelling place where I can settle down, feel secure and be content anywhere on earth…You are my blessed home, 'where I can enter and be at rest even when all around and above is a sea of trouble' (Andrew Murray). How my soul delights to hide in the secret of Your presence…to take refuge in the shadow of Your wings, to eat at Your table, to drink my fill of the river of Your delights. How blessed I am, my King and my God, for You have chosen me, and brought me near, to live in Your presence, to behold Your delightfulness, to seek Your counsel…And to think that I will dwell in Your house forever!” - Ruth Myers

our kind don't settle?

I'm taking off again in the morning . . . part of me can't wait; part of me was just starting to catch my breath from south africa. Sometimes I don't feel very settled... even though I've technically been in the same place for 6 years now. Maybe it's because some my friends have changed/moved country/moved on and I'm not always 100% settled in my church at the minute. I'm thankful for family that is still around (for now anyway). But, I probably haven't done myself any favours escaping the country for a few months most summers... and this year is no different. One of my friends from high school says, "Settle? Our kind don't settle." Part of me agrees, but part of me thinks it's up to me to make more effort to plant my feet and learn to grow where I'm put...

I guess I'm in over-analysing mode... don't get me wrong, I'm definitely still looking forward to the next month! Lack of internet will probably bring a lull again to this wee venting space, but I shall return... ready to plant those itchy feet (i think...). In the meantime, bring on african thunderstorms, pounded yam, crazy hospital wards, amazing alive worship on a sunday afternoon... oh and that smell (the good nostalgic type) that hits you when you walk off the plane. Who knows, the super eagles might even have a repeat of Olympics 96 while I'm there - just for me... and the other 120million football crazy people!

glimpses of grace

Today I had an “indiscriminate act of kindness” moment. I had decided to go for a bike ride while there was a wee bit of rare sunshine at lunchtime. The first half was perfect, gliding along the shores of Belfast lough, feeling slightly sentimental about this city for some reason. On the way home again, it all went a bit pear-shaped when I hit the curb trying to get out of the way of a big lorry... and my tire jammed. I thought I had bent the rim of my tire or something so thought I’d just lug it home and figure out what was wrong then. After about ten minutes of getting a bit fed up with this ‘lugging’ idea, a random guy (who looked about 80 and was definitely someone’s wee granda) pulled over in his ancient red fiesta and fixed my bike (in about 2 minutes which made me feel like such a girl...) and sent me on my way! How nice is that? I have to say, people surprise me sometimes.... maybe wee glimpses of grace.

all hype?

I've just finished the book The Shack... a book that seems to have had instant success in the US (NY Times bestseller/sold 1.7 million copies etc) and has been hotly debated all over parts of the blogosphere over the last year. It's recently been released here so it will be interesting to see if it will make any waves. I have to be honest, the only reason I read it was to see what the fuss is all about....not the best motivation! (Curiosity & controversy = successful marketing?). Conclusion? I thought it was just ok. Because I went into reading it with my sceptical hat on, I found loads of things that didn’t agree with; but maybe that meant I didn’t get into the book as a story/work of fiction. But to be fair, it is a theological perspective weaved into a very basic storyline (in my opinion!), so that’s how I read it. I appreciate some of the ideas the author wanted to put across about the God of love, the importance of relationship (not religion), not putting God in a box etc, but it only tells part of the story and I think parts of it incorrectly. I’m not going to expand – there are many, many reviews out there if you want to know more.

If people are reading it like it is an accurate revelation of what God is like and see the book as spiritual guide (ie: prayer of jabez fiasco etc), then I’m worried. If it’s another book that people read to critique / not swallow whole and to promote a healthy discussion about life/faith, bring it on. I’m not going to recommend it, but to be honest, I’m not going to say don’t read it either (unless you have no idea what you believe about anything - in that case, I'd start somewhere else!).

summerlight

I love this song - Summerlight by Steve Jones that he just released this week. Makes me think about how my brother might feel about his wee son. It’s the first song on his album Sayonara Deadweight – listen to it here... if you have a minute.

hey, i put some new shoes on...

So, I bought some new running shoes today. Hoping it’s going to inspire me to run loads with my dad when I’m back home... not sure if a pair of shoes are the best motivating factor, but saying it’ll mean getting up at 6ish to fit it into my dad’s crazy day, I need some help! Although, running with him is actually something I love about going home. Here’s a “before” picture... all pretty and clean, but it’s rainy season in Nigeria so they’ll be covered with red mud before long!

I’ve been a bit of an ‘armchair Olympian’ so far this week but somehow watching it does make me want to be more active... It’s like when the tennis is on, you suddenly have an itching to go find the nearest tennis courts and pretend you’re also as amazing. It could go either way watching the athletics next week—either I’ll be over-awed and relinquish any thought that I’m actually on the same planet. Or I’ll be inspired. I’m hoping for the latter.

Anyway, here’s to many miles in my new shoes...

imagination

I’ve decided that Spurgeon is the man... so have a few other people (check this out for Piper’s view ages ago and Driscoll’s blog recently). My wee nephew and my grandfather share/d the first part of his name which has probably has increased my interest in him, initially at least. I took his morning and evening devotional with me to South Africa and so many times I read things that just made sense for that day, even if it was written so long ago.

I have this thing about quotes (ask my family). I love them. I know it’s silly and probably it makes my own thoughts a bit unoriginal, but somehow the way someone puts a simple thought in words captures my imagination. Here’s a few from Spurgeon that I wrote down over the summer...
“Our griefs cannot mar the melody of our praise; we reckon them to be the bass part of our life’s song”
“The fig tree may not blossom and the flocks may cease from the field, it matters not to the man who can sing ‘My beloved is mine and I am His’.”
“If Christ be anything, He must be everything.”
“Ought we not to look upon our own history as being at least as full of God, as full of His goodness and of His truth, as much a proof of His faithfulness and veracity as the lives of any of the saints who have gone before?”
“Blessed are the waves that wash the mariner upon the rock of salvation.”
“Rejoice O my soul, that thou art spared to testify of the faithfulness of the Lord. The seasons change and thou changest; but thy Lord abides evermore the same and the streams of His love are as deep, as broad and as full as ever.”

there and back again...

Lack of easily accessible internet for a while has left this blog a bit neglected...but I'm back! Ok, so it’s cliché time so I should be saying things like: "It’s so hard to sum up what the last 2 months have been like...." blah blah blah. But, it is a wee bit true. 8 weeks of a glorious mix between the world of physio in a South African government hospital to the world of the Cape Town tourist. I definitely think it was the best way to capture the essence of the city (besides living there long term) - to not just be a tourist, but to rub shoulders with Capetonians from all communities via the hospital - whether that was the staff or my patients... I loved it! One thing - it was not was a “short term missions trip” and somehow a trip free from labels/definitions meant there was no agenda... I was unashamedly a tourist at times – flinging myself off the world’s highest bungee (amazing!), soaking in the sunshine where the Indian and Atlantic Oceans met, scrambling up the majestic Table Mountain etc, but I also could just live out life and faith with my friends and in the hospital. Not much different to here I guess, just a different context and culture.

So, South Africa? I could go back. Maybe. It did seem a bit like a pseudo-Africa to the one that I know and love, but I kept reminding myself that if I went to Morocco or Egypt it would feel just as foreign. I guess it was not what I knew, but that was maybe a good thing. I could talk about the stark divide between rich/poor, the political turmoil still rumbling resulting from a troubled history, the rainbow nation, the hiv/aids crisis on everyone’s doorstep, the hopes for 2010, the mixture of both divided and multiethnic vibrant churches, the stunning scenery... etc but to be honest, the question that I hate the most in relation to Nigeria has always been “what is it like?” so I’m not even going to try after only 2 months. Just go if you get a chance would be my only advice.

I’m “home” again... but I’m going “home” on Saturday for a month... (In Belfast, heading to Nigeria). Funny that. Sometimes I love having 2 homes. Sometimes I feel like neither is really home. Not sure if travel is always the best for finding a sense of belonging that I often long for, but alas... I still love it...